karma is raw material

Oh. Remember how your karma follows you wherever you go? Yeah, it definitely does. So you can go halfway across the world, but you'll still be the same. And so, no matter who you're with, they're pretty much going to react to your schtick the way everyone else has. And I mean everyone. 

I listened to the Beastie Boy's dad, I have pages and pages to write, and a country retreat I definitely need-- not to relax, but to retreat. From the level of exposure I have stupidly allowed myself to have on every level. It's funny how even after you've figured out something so very fundamental about yourself (for me, it's the small doses thing) you can try to bend yourself into some other identity because for a minute it seems to fit, or because the very massive thing you've figured out about yourself doesn't really fit into what you'd like to think about yourself. I suppose I still believe that karma is just raw material to be forged. 

But it isn't clay (and, to be fair, no one said it was-- the Buddhist texts say iron, and you're supposed to forge steel) and I'd like it to be more like clay. Because for the better part of a decade, I chanted hours and hours everyday to assume the appropriate karma about the same 3 things. (And perhaps I did assume it. Maybe I just don't like the appropriate karma I assumed about those 3 things.) (I suppose if it were as easily molded as clay, then once you forged it, you'd just get pottery. Which is obviously no match for steel...) But it still doesn't mean you're cut out for everything. And I am reminded over and over over (slightly extra most of the time) and over again what I am very clearly not cut out for. And that's ending a sentence in a preposition and I'm comfortable with that. 

PS- It's totally Wednesday at 7:50 AM when I'm writing this, not Tuesday. Somehow, no matter how many times I've changed the settings on blogger, it flips back to West Coast US time... whatever... I may be able to post from Bamff, I may not.