You had best believe that you cannot build what I don't need

Rare thunderstorms in LA are ushering me to Britain today. 

My itinerary-- a year in the making-- has me feeling a bit shot out of a cannon, but is entirely my own doing. I haven't been back to Scotland since the day I got on the bus in that last wind down to the end. I had that taste of London on the way back from Africa, and I'll admit I still associate the place with the only thing in my life I've ever felt like I failed at. I cried on the circle in. I have felt and still feel a rough letting go of that place and the life I saw for myself there. 

It becomes more complicated the more entrenched I get in my LA life; the more I love it. 

As I cross over anniversaries and milestones, unremarked upon, the more I am having to redefine myself against the hardline definitions I had of myself earlier in my life. I can say to myself now--- you've been away from New  York as long as you were ever there. Why do you still consider yourself a New Yorker? You don't really miss it, you only miss Europe. But LA... 

I still feel torn about my intent. My intent to live as one or many of the incarnations of myself. 

I'm scared of falling out of my life here by being gone so long. I'm scared of missing an opportunity that I've painstakingly built a foundation for here. 

I'm scared it's still not enough time to be in any of the places I'm going to settle into the rhythm. Scared it's not enough time to catch back that magic of my life there. I'm scared that the way I was there will be at odds with the way I am now and I won't be able to reconcile them. I'm scared my practice will fall off and I won't chant because of time, and mindset, and my friends' hard disbelief in Buddhism. 

But CHVRCHES has got my back. Giving us all a new song to sing me to Scotland. And a new album this September 25 -- Every Open Eye. 

And I'm going to give it my best go to report to whatever readers are left here. I can't guarantee I'll be able to. I can't guarantee I'll have anything or anything worthwhile to say. But if I do, I'll be here. Hope to see you.

Onward. To the East and to the North. To London, Edinburgh, Bamff, Skye, Uist, Geneva, Provence, Lugano and everywhere in between, to Dublin, to Clare and back again. 

Monkey Sanctuary - Excerpt

Why hello. Nice to see you again. Nice to have something I wanted to put here. There is much to tell, actually, but now isn't the right time. Right now, I am thinking about the one year anniversary of my very interesting sojourn to Ghana. A year ago right now, I was just settling into my second full day. None of what I'm about to tell you had happened yet.

I've been working on this "short" story for a year. Even in the Accra airport, I began to write this down in notebooks, along with the almost overwhelming amount of emotional and physical information I had taken in over the two weeks.

I can't share everything with you here. But I did want to give you a little taste.

Just for context, here's the blurb:

Somewhere between rekindling a trans-atlantic romance and calling it quits for good, a couple tries a new locale on holiday in Ghana’s Cape Coast. At an isolated nature reserve, an eccentric Dutch couple reveals more than anyone bargained for about our biological evolution when we choose to stay together.

And here is the text! A nice non-emotional, yet meatier middle chunk of 

MONKEY SANCTUARY.

Forty-five minutes later, they were still in the car on the way to the monkey reserve that was “right up the road.”

Casey had underestimated how big Ghana was. Almost everything they said was "close" ended up being an hour drive at least. Maybe it was all the extra police stops you had to make. Every few miles, the police in navy and light blue camo (She couldn’t quite see the point in that particular camo) would pull over every car and inspect. Gordon would warn her each time to hide any electronics. (“They’ll take it. They’ll find a reason to take it.”)

Or maybe everything took so long because-- with the exception of the George W. Bush Expressway, ironically enough, both “The Best Road in All of Africa,” but also simply the best road in all of Africa--  the roads were all so bad.

In LA, the roads always failed at the edges. In Ghana, every road seemed to have huge, craggy chunks pulled up in the middle that had to be sharply swerved around—a kind of alien asphalt phlegm that Ghana kept trying to cough up. The center literally would not hold.

Reading Rainbow: The Third Plate

Ever since I came back to the US, I've been pretty paranoid about what I eat. I have a pretty serious problem with the way America farms, raises, and grows its food. I think most of us are pretty familiar with a lot of those problems. But aside from pesticides, chemicals, and hormones, there's this other aspect which I've been worried about for a while.

Remember in elementary school science, when we learned about soil nutrients, crop rotation, and seven year cycles of fallow earth? (I do. Largely because I am frequently using it as a metaphor for creativity. Also because I regularly help a fourth grade boy with his homework.) 

The new book I'm reading talks about the future of food-- from the failures and missteps of the farm to table movement to how farmers and chefs can work together change the public image of certain foods. Foods can be and are just as trendy as anything else. Sometimes just to the benefit of big agri-business (like the terrible terrible soy trend. Processed soy jacks with your estrogen levels.) but also for real health. Did you eat kale three years ago? Or quinoa? Or ramps? No. You do now because chefs got creative and made delicious recipes with those ingredients. 

Dan Barber, author of the The Third Plate is the executive chef of Blue Hill in Manhattan. I haven't had the pleasure of eating there-- alas, the price tag is outrageous...more on that later-- but I've heard nothing but good things about the quality and flavor. 

From the book's review in The Wall Street Journal:

Yet after reading Mr. Barber's compelling book, "The Third Plate," I realize the problem may be with my conditioning: I associate value with top-of-the-food-chain proteins like tuna and beef. But the truth is, it takes 13 pounds of grain to produce 1 pound of beef, and the Bluefin tuna is almost depleted. Ours is a food culture based on the expectation of immoderate consumption, and that's just not sustainable. Mr. Barber's solution is no less than an overhaul of American cuisine, so that the value of an ingredient is based on flavor, not folly.
Mr. Barber uses the metaphor of the plate—as in plates of food—to describe three stages of modern eating habits and the agriculture that has supported them. The first plate contains a 7-ounce corn-fed steak and a small vegetable side, say, carrots, produced by industrialized agriculture as it developed over the course of the 20th century. On the second plate, where we are today with the farm-to-table movement, the steak is free-range, the carrots organically grown. But the two aren't that different. The future, Mr. Barber suggests, is the third plate: a carrot dish flavored with a sauce made from a secondary cut like beef shank.
The third plate sounds a lot like the way my Italian grandmother used to cook on her subsistence farm. Her tradition called for managing the land. Soil health, seed diversity, crop rotation and diverse animal husbandry kept the farm fruitful and also produced delicious, healthy food. There was modesty to her cooking: The family primarily ate vegetables and killed one pig a year that had been fed on table leavings. There was no deprivation. We've replaced this model with industrialized farming and fishing, and we aren't eating well. We feed.

Let's go back to price. Part of how we can bring down some of the cost of flavorful, nutrient-rich foods is by giving new light to the crops that farmer's plant in between the main crop. If those farmers can make the same amount of money on mustard greens or buckwheat or milkweed that they can on wheat, they do better and then we can do better. And there's incentive for other farmers to return to this way of farming before industrialized farming manipulated the ecosystem into oblivion. I mean, sure, it's important to produce enough. So much of how we farm is a reactionary product of The Dust Bowl, The Irish Potato Famine and other plague of locusts style crop failures. But at some point, you have to ask, is my all-you-can eat more important than the flavor and nutrition of what I eat? And then no wonder we're fat. We have to keep eating and eating to get less flavor and less nutrition. It's hard to stay aware of all this all the time, but you gotta try, right? 

Check out the book, and Dan Barber on NPR. I listened to a much longer version of this interview and I wish I could find it. This is the closest I could find. Scroll to the bottom.

FYI: I'm probably buying this book as a gift for everyone I know for holidays for the next year. 

Neil de Grasse Tyson at Rice's 100th Commencement

This past week, Rice graduated it's 100th class,  wrapping up a year's worth of Centennial celebrations. And Rice couldn't ask for a more fitting speaker to bring it all home than astro-physicist badass, Neil de Grasse Tyson. Not only did his wife graduate from Rice (Baker!) but he embodies Rice's marriage to NASA and the American spirit of exploration, commitment to the future, and to the great unknown. 

I don't feel like I live in that America. But I'm glad Tyson is around to remind us to keep pursuing the unknown, the spirit of innovation, of advancing, and of defining the universe-- and thus, the universal. That our pursuit of these things is tied to so many other important aspects of our perspective.

I often miss my time at Rice, and what it represents. But this was one of the most stinging. 

Congrats, class of 2013!

Manufacture New York & Bob Bland on CBS News

My lovely and visionary friend, Bob Bland, was on CBS news for her extraordinary efforts on behalf for local manufacturing of clothing products in the US, and specifically in New York. I'm so on board with her Manufacture New York. 

Here's a snippet from the new program:

There was a time when clothes worn by Americans were also made here. By 2011, more than 97 percent of the clothes sold in the U.S. was made overseas. Fashion designer turned apparel advocate Bob Bland explains why in an interview with "CBS Evening News" Saturday anchor Jim Axelrod. She's behind Manufacture New York, a new initiative to bring clothes manufacturing jobs back home.

It's not a good deal if the true cost is someone dying in the process.

Scottish Ballet - Highland Fling

Now that I watch dancers all day, I feel like I'm extra tuned in to other dance stuff going on anywhere in my immediate or even peripheral vicinity. My friend from grad school, Tara, is working for the Scottish Ballet in Glasgow. I sure wish I were still in Scotland to see this crazy/intriguing Matthew Bourne production-- an update of a Danish piece La Syphide, but with "a wickedly wry Scottish twist." 

Reviews have been pretty stellar. It concludes its Glasgow run today and goes on tour. Doubtful they'll tour as far as Los Angeles though. ;)

Scottish Ballet: NEW! Highland Fling Trailer from Scottish Ballet on Vimeo.

The Scapegoat - Now on Netflix

I've really been feeling the glut in quality British programming these days. I have a list of all the things I know about and then I scour the internet until I find a method of watching them. I've been looking for the post-war set The Scapegoat for a while now. 

Based on the Daphe du Maurier novel, this flick has everything. Doppelgangers, the turn over from one monarch to the next, mistaken identities, multiple mistresses, cool old cars, and one of my favorite estates I visited on many travels through the UK, Knebworth House. I'm also quite partial to Matthew Rhys ever since he played Dylan Thomas. 

And last night, lo and behold, they had added it to Netflix. So I snuggled into my bed and took a trip back to foggy Britain. I woke up this morning and Los Angeles felt a bit British-- grey and drizzly. It'll be sure to burn off into sunshine by noon. But if you've got Netflix, I suggest checking out this film. 

This Week Felt Like This - Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

After a week spent in a fictional revolution, in chaos, in shock, in the air, in rehearsals, in awe, in despair, in gratitude, I am returning to this song, which is one of my favorite numbers from the upcoming Shaping Sound tour. Watching dancers apply energy to this. I wish you could see what I've seen all week. Soon you will. This is how I feel about this week. Get it all out. 

Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead from Arts & Crafts on Vimeo.

Want to See - I Give It A Year

Self-deprecating British rom-coms! Though I'm not sure how I feel about Rose Byrne as a Brit.... I mean, I know she's Australian, but still... it doesn't sit well... other than that, I can't wait to see this with my hetero life mate, McC. It came out in February in the UK and I don't see much in the way of info about when we sad Americans (who just can't have nice things) will also get to have it. Don't make we who miss Britain wait, please. 

Jay Shells - Rap Quotes Street Signs

New York artist Jay Shells (the man we can all thank for Subway Etiquette) is going around NYC posting fake street signs with the lyrics from rap songs calling out that particular spot. He doesn't expect the signs to be up too long. Either the city will take them down, or, more likely, rap enthusiasts will bring them home. 

In any case, it makes me smile thinking about them there. Maybe I'll find one or two when I'm back in NYC later this month.

And in case rap lyrics for some reason still elude you (and this makes me recall one of my favorite life memories-- that of Spellman translating/explaining the lyrics to "Regulate" to young Brit, Tom on the way to a Dodgers game) I'll throw in this bonus: Understand Rap. There's also a companion book. Enjoy. Happy Tuesday.

Sunday Scribbles - Aurora Borealis

What good is winsome weighed against
a willowy waif
at home in wellies?
How faux the glow of neon against the Northern Lights

All my acerbic humor,
my American-ness was small against
the tall of trees;
the long legs of Britain
No story could stake at the heart
like an environmentalist poem

Because no one had ever taught me the stars--
Because they can't be seen
from my corner of the world
I'd never see them in his eyes
or his eyes
but only in the glow of an iphone
as I tried to learn.

An Untitled Scribble

As I mentioned, I've been feeling a little guilty about how little writing has been on this blog lately. And I definitely haven't been posting any fiction. Perhaps because I've been so focused on scripts, etc and haven't been writing any. Will you accept this humble prose-poem instead? I'm reluctant to even call it that. I'd really prefer to stick with 'scribbling,' since that's really more accurate. I ran across it in one of my notebooks, wedged in between edit notes, lyrics, and the outline of a pilot. I wrote it back in January-- at least I had the good sense to date it, because I don't even remember writing it. 


When you couldn't have her
You'd turn to me
When things turned South
You turned to me
And whenever you'd sigh
at the place
where the pavement ended
You'd turn your thoughts to me.

To making a home
at the end of the world for a moment
with me

But like all things in the modern world
There is no impeding progress
and no sooner had the road run out
then someone paved it farther
out into the distance
of newest possibilities and wildest dreams

You kiss my cheek
and thank me for the company
in your despair and wandering
You curl your grin,
settle your hat
and set out again on the road to the prize.

Happy Birthday Burns Friday Links

Tonight, I am having a Burns Night Supper at my house. In the grand tradition of almost all my parties, almost no one is coming. (At least I can always count on McC!) At least the weather is obligingly Scottish.  Nevertheless, I am making vegetarian haggis, neeps & tatties and cranachan. Sophie has even offered to skype in to sing us some "Auld Lang Syne" at midnight (8 AM Scottish time) but to be honest, I doubt we'll make it that long. 

In any case, I love this holiday. It's also my dad's birthday, Rob Shafer's birthday, and Kate Floyd's birthday. All lifetime favorites. 

Here are your links. 

- One of my favorite articles (from the D. Patz) on Burns
- Tartan picks for a stylish Burns Night. 
- I. Love. This. Song. I wish all bands sang with Scottish inflection. 
- My next read, Elena Ferrante's My Brilliant Friend. 
- 25 greatest unscripted movie scenes.
- Facts about the new Mad Men series. Oooh, so soon!
- This is hilarious!
- I always loved you, Jimmy Carter. 
- There's a part of me that agrees with this.
- But then, I do also love Andrew Sullivan. 
- Salon's guide to memoir writing
- Oooh, new Stephen Poliakoff film project
- Rice is going to have a CLASS ON DOWNTOWN ABBEY next semester!

Following Steve McCurry & The Last Ever Kodachrome Quest

Thirty-six frames and out. I've talked before about Steve McCurry being bequeathed the last ever roll of Kodachrome film.  I've been writing about contemporary art in Istanbul lately for a freelance job and so of course, this melancholy story is coming full circle for me. 

The prints from Steve McCurry's Kodachrome finale were recently on display at the Istanbul Modern. (Also on McCurry's website.) DeNiro, New York, India!

But most especially, NOW there is a new documentary about the experience, from National Geographic-- the organization that helped to make Steve McCurry famous when they put his Afghan Girl on the cover. Check it out, ya'll. Kodachrome may be dead, but the stories aren't.

Smash Season Two - Episode One, Part One

As cynical as I have sometimes been in my recapping of the show, both here and in the more official capacity over at BroadwaySpotted.com, I want to reemphasize that I've never actually been one of the SMASH cynics. My deep hope persists that SMASH can still be a great show and occasionally shows flashes of it. 

When I heard about the shake up at the helm and on the decks, I was pleased. Mostly that we'd be losing that yucky assistant, who, strangely, my mind has already repressed. I cannot remember his name. Hold on, I'm going to go look it up... Ellis! 

Anyhow. I was less pleased to eventually lose Brian D'arcy James and Raza Jaffrey, but, alas. What we were gaining in return was worth the price. Jennifer Hudson (sorta), Andy Mientus, Krysta Rodriguez and most especially Jeremy Jordan as series regulars with Sean Hayes and LIZA MINELLI as special guest stars?? Okay, then. Sign me up and let's get to watching. 

I still find that there's something quite vacant about Katharine McPhee as a performer. She never feels present in any scene or any song. And I still don't get Marilyn even when she's playing her. Also, I feel like she's a little too bitchy anymore to Ivy. I dunno... maybe because to me, it was months and months and a whole country ago-- 5,440 miles ago-- I think, dude, let it go. No need to get anyone fired. Plus! You breaking up with your Dev (was that his name? Another one I've almost completely erased from my memory) meant that now you live with Krysta Rodriguez and I'd way rather watch her.

Most of the plot elements you guys can guess because, well, they pretty much give them all away in the promo. And I don't have much to say about them. I'm good with it. I don't mind some soapy elements. I lived on the Broadway campus long enough to know that the soap factor is actually one of the more accurate (and often satisfying!) elements of SMASH. 

I'll say this though. I really do think they're going in the right direction. Yep. Bombshell should be thwarted. Because that shit's real. And because even without seeing the entirety of Bombshell, I can tell you right now I know for a FACT Julia's book for the thing was bad. Most shows get thwarted in some way, even when the writers have clout. 

And thank god for whoever's idea it was (I'm guessing new showrunner Gossip Girl's Josh Safran) to bring in plot lines (and REAL MUSIC!) from young and emerging writers! YAY! It feels like being single for a really long time and then finally getting asked out on a date. And I'm not even writing for the show! But that's how satisfying it feels. 

I'm also going to make a note that this episode features two of the most honest moments ever featured on the show to date. One of them, however, was immediately followed with eye-rolling pretense. 

When Jennifer Hudson tells Kat McPhee to 'protect the work,' I nodded my head for like a full 30 seconds. But then, she said, "This will be you in six months," and walked out of her dressing room to a stage door that felt like a red carpet premiere. And just like that, the moment was shattered on the dirty theater district pavement. 

The other moment--- oh, the other moment-- there was just nothing Hollywood could do to ruin it. Not Kat McPhee holding up her iphone for Derek to hear it, nor the plot contrivance of her forgetting the phone on the bar forcing her to come back and hear it. Nothing could ruin Jeremy Jordan singing Joe Iconis's 'Broadway Here I Come.' 

I'd personally like to thank my friends Joe and Jeremy for this moment of the show. I re-watched the last four minutes of the episode about seven or eight times last night and once again this morning. It's so much better in the full version than what they show in the promo. I'm not a fan of the way they edited the song for that promo. It doesn't show off the best parts of the song IMO. But you'll watch the full thing and you'll see. You can also hear the lovely Molly Hager sing it here. And of course, Krysta, sing it here. 

Off to a good start, SMASH. Please, please, I beg of you, keep it up. Josh Safran promised me and you "more music, less scarves." I'm going to choose to trust him to keep that promise. And I'll keep watching. But who am I kidding. Like all the people who love Broadway, I'm a glutton for punishment. I'd watch it no matter what. 

You can watch part one of the Season 2 premiere on Hulu here. 
The full two hour premiere airs on NBC February 5

Fly Aways- 

- What's going on with Jennifer Hudson's teeth during her performance? It's like she lost the weight and became a lollypop head and her teeth just seem HUGE now. 

- I was surprised to find Theresa Rebeck listed as an executive producer. My understanding is that she was relinquishing all affiliation with the show from now on, save Created By. Guess not. 

- I feel a little dirty for saying it, but can we petition for more Riedel in this season. I'd take him in every episode really. There's something more palatable about him as semi-fictional soap villain on TV. AMIRIGHT??? 

Abandoned Nevada

When I was growing up and my grandmother would drive me all over the deep south in search of all Gone with the Wind related historical sites of interest, I was always deeply and adolescently moved by abandoned buildings. Perhaps it was just the feeling of connection to a physical manifestation of all my abandonment issues. (!) I'm still drawn by that mood. How many posts have I done on abandoned buildings like theatres? Or this in Scotland? But when I was an angst-y adolescent, it was too big to be contained. I wanted to do a book of photographs with that feeling. 

Too bad I didn't know at age 10 that Sally Mann was already doing it way better than I ever could have. But, listen, Nevada holds its own on the ghost town front. From derelict boom towns to discarded neon graveyards, Nevada knows how to love 'em and leave 'em better any pretty much anybody. 

Buzzfeed did this nice (if a little bright) photo aggregate and I just keep going back to this haunting pic (above) my friend and fellow Nevada writer turned New York writer Foster Kamer posted on a recent trip back home. I like to look and just get the sad out. 

Best of 2012 - Fergie & Fife Posts

2012 goes down on the record as my most (manageably) turbulent year yet. It was momentous. It was non-stop movement. Even narrowing down this list of my favorite and your favorite posts, the reliving of all that movement surprised even me. So so much happened this year. Some huge stuff never even made this list! I turned 30! We had an amazing Lincoln Center Concert! I started working in film both in the UK and in the US. I spared you any mention of all my run ins with unavailable men. I lived in FOUR DIFFERENT CITIES!! I remember this time last year so distinctly. I never thought I'd be where I am now a year ago. I thought I'd still be in Europe. But I'm in Hollywood. And miraculously, a lot of you are still reading. Thanks for that. And here's hoping we'll stick together in 2013. Happy New Year!

Bonus: My One Thousandth Post

10. Sorkin & Cynicism...and Sara McC

9. I Stand in the Room Where Keats Died

8. I Find a Home in Hollywood. Also this.

7. Les Miserables - Extreme Close Up

6. A New Yorker is Someone Who Longs for New York

5. American Soul

4. Comparison is the thief of joy: Claire Vaye Wakins & Battleborn

3. Perfectly Aligned

2. Living With the Force & Joy of Ben Horne

1. Relief

Melrose Place Flashback Friday Links

While visiting these past few days, my dad asked which part of Melrose Avenue the old 90s soap classic, 'Melrose Place' was supposed to be. I didn't know. I guessed somewhere more in West Hollywood than where I am. Once I we got home from our excursions, I did some digging. And while Melrose Place is obviously somewhere in Hollywood, the Greenwood, where they filmed the complex is in Los Feliz. The rest was filmed in studios. 

I loved this show so much when it first came out. Probably because I really felt like I was getting away with something by watching it. I mean, it was even more scandalous than Beverly Hills 90210, which I still have no idea how I convinced my mom to let me watch at age 9. I wanted to friends with all my cool neighbors. And wished I could ever pull off Josie Bissett as Jane's adorable pixie cut. Thinking about the show gave me a little urge to rewatch some old Melrose Place courtesy of Netflix. 

What a gas I actually laughed out loud several times during the pilot at how awful it is. I mean, just watch the original intro. To their credit, they changed it immediately after the pilot to the much catchier theme song and graphic look they'd keep for the rest of the show's run. But... man. 

Anyhow, there's your trip down memory lane to kick off your weekend. 
Here are the rest of your links. 

- I've been exploring Melrose from my house west lately. Blu Jam is my favorite breakfast place EVER. Crunchy french toast for every meal, please!

- 6 Places You'll Recognize from the background of every movie ever 
- My favorite eye candy blog these days
- Rejecting Oxbridge
- I came thiiiiiis close to adopting Hazelnut here. But she was gone. :(
- Advice to young writers from Jeffrey Eugenides
- I still like MY review of Les Miserables, but this is my second favorite. 

Stay tuned! The next three days are my Best of 2012 lists-- albums, books, movies. 

Kinetic Edinburgh

Heavens, I miss this beautiful city! From the initial success of professor Walid Salhab's first Kinetic Edinburgh video, featured on BBC, to his latest effort-- a new time-lapse video of Edinburgh in winter-- Salhab shows why Edinburgh is hands down one of the most beautiful cities in the world. He calls the newest video a "Christmas present to Edinburgh's residents and those around the world that love Scotland's capital."

I'm not sure about his music choices, but oh, those views! And under the snow! For more click here and here. 

Photo is by my friend, George Ferns. 

The Other Guys - Christmas Number One

From the adorable St Andrews boy vocal group that brought you "Royal Romance," with nearly a million views, we now have the delight of "Christmas Gets Worse Every Year." That's right. The Other Guys are at it again, and this time they're aiming for Britain's coveted Christmas Number One. 

The song is  mostly heartfelt, but built around a tongue and cheek joke. It's always nice to have some new tunes to add to the Christmas canon. Especially one with a modern sensibility.  

Not to mention, they really outdid themselves with this video, directed by Maia Krall Fry. From beautiful lights to the whole lot of them standing atop The Cairngorms Mountain range in Scotland. That's commitment. 

Americans, you probably know about the Christmas Number One as a phenomenon from the movie, Love Actually. But it's really a thing. So get it on itunes.

Best of luck to you boys!  Here's my little push towards your Christmas Number One.