orbits

Look at me, circling the drain on all my personal theories in my early twenties. I recommend everyone read their old writing. It's illuminating. 

June 30th, 2005

orbits

 I believe in orbits.
 I believe that once you have had the good fortune or consistent choosing or involuntary placement by your parents to remain in a certain place, with a certain set of people, at some point, these people become a part of your orbit.
 I believe in this orbit possibly more than I believe in a sense of place and/or the right place. I believe that once people have become a part of your orbit, you all just keep circling around on your individual axis until you both meet up again at the point of the orbit where you always do....
With the exception of Human Revolution, in the Buddhist sense, I don't think people change. They do grow up though... some end up closer to you and some farther away, but isn't it fun to remember the times when the orbits spun directly in line with one another. When that was all the world was made of.
And you come back to the people in your orbit, the way I drove by my old apartment last night after the show (someone new had moved in)-- you come back because of the shared history that on a daily basis would suffocate you... but every now and then...when the orbits circle back again...you need.

March 15th, 2006

I came east to be closer to the sunrise.

I have only ever given up on one person in my life, and whether it was the right decision or not, it haunts me to this day.

I say that a lot. I don't give up on people. They may orbit out for a while, but I've never given up on them. Except one, who, despite the amazing connectedness to me...despite the kind of death I experienced myself by severing from this person... had to be given up on in order for me to literally survive. Some people are disruptive and hurtful. Especially when there is genuine emotion on the line. But I tend to see the good intentions behind people, or at the very least, the pain in their life condition that is causing them to act out at others.

I try not to make it personal, because most of the time, it's not about me.

But how do I not take it personally, when it crosses the line into my life?

And how do I balance forgiveness as well as my own well being?
When is enough enough?

And as I read my World Tribune on the train this morning, I realized that forgiveness is like making the sun rise in your heart.
(and we all know how I feel about the word RISE...indeed, it is my favorite)
How do you force a sun rise in your heart, when it seems so far out of orbit?
Should you even?
What is the emotion in between-- a solid place to land-- in the middle of letting everything slide, forgiving, saying it's okay, not giving up on someone.... and being upset and hurt? Because I don't want to feel upset or hurt... and I certainly do not want to feel the helplessness of results from allowing everything to be "okay" by me. Not everything is.

I guess the answer is take it in stride. I'm not even sure I can articulate what that means, exactly, but I guess I try to shoot for it.
Make the sun rise in my heart.

And I realize that what I have the hardest time forgiving, what karmically has become my mission, is people so hell-bent on self-destruction.

And it makes me heart sick.

I just want to shake them!
"What is wrong with you???"
And why wouldn't they let me help them?

What do you do?
Everything you can. Clearly.

So, as the sun rises over Manhattan, I wake early and make the sun rise in my heart for everyone who has hurt me, or who hurts. Moment by moment, I am learning the way to live in a world with pain, and come out on the other side clean. Moment by moment, revealing true identity. Moment by moment, gaining courage.

And I'm no knight. I can't save anyone. But the sun rising in the east sends rays to the entire world, and if I can just try hard enough, chant hard enough, expand my heart wide enough, I just might be able to shed some rays on all those people I care about so much, and pain will turn to grace.
And then, and only then, will I feel I have done everything I can. I will have done enough.