Last week was all about place. Emotional geography. I’m someone who has always felt pretty comfortable in my own skin, but have almost never been comfortable in my place. Perhaps I’ve always felt older than I am. Maybe, I just wasn’t satisfied with the amount of authority I had… to do… anything. Most of high school & college, I felt like I was sitting on my hands, prevented from doing what I really wanted to do, being with who I wanted to be with, being taken as seriously as I wanted to be taken.
Or maybe, being a 4 on the enneagram chart (another big thanks to McC on that one. Made my whole life make sense when I found that out) I’m a romantic or an individualist. I’m fixated on being unique and occupying a singular role in everyone’s life. Nothing can be by the book—I take it all to the next level. There can be no ordinary relationships. Dad can’t just be Dad, he’s Dad plus. Plus best friend, plus business partner to the point where he’s something beyond my dad. He’s his whole other category occupied only by him.
Also being rather obsessed with inclusivity—the nicest thing anyone can ever do for me is think to include me, this sort of becomes the ultimate form of including me—creating a place for me. Integration.
I got to see the contrast last week of truly truly having a place amongst my amazing Steamboat Springs family and being in limbo back in NYC in many things, and in many long-standing relationships.
I know people who talk often about how easy things can be. And for the most part, I’ve never believed them. Nothing’s ever been that easy.
But when I thought about my stress level, the difference was night and day! Nothing bothered me, (not an airline strike or lack of sleep or the sadness & withdrawal I knew I’d feel when the end of the weekend would split is all up) nothing could phase me at all in the world where I knew who loved me and what they loved about me. Nobody held any cards. Nobody kept any secrets. Nobody got marginalized. There was no withholding of love or appreciation. Nothing was conditional upon me being any certain way. Everything flowed in all directions and everybody won. It was… easy.
It was the answer to the exact communal issue I was referring to here.
All that striving we do to come to the right place. But if you’re lucky enough find that bunch or bunches, clusters of people who not only see you for what you are on your own, but also what you are amongst them, then you’re set.
More about enneagram and 4’s (which one do you think you are??) after the jump
In the artist of all kinds I think one can detect an inherent dilemma, which belongs to the co-existence of two trends, the urgent need to communicate and the still more urgent need not to be found....
What more fruitful way to redressing the balance than by portraying one's inner world in a work of art and then persuading other people to accept it, if not as real, at least as highly significant? Part of the satisfaction which a creative person obtains from his achievement may be the feeling that, at last, some part of his inner life is being accepted which has never been accorded recognition before. Moreover, since art became an individual matter rather than a task for anonymous craftsmen, creative work is generally recognized as being especially apt for expressing the personal style of an individual (which is of course closely related to his inner world). The value we place upon authenticity is often exaggerated; yet there is a sense in which it is justified. However good a painting or a piece of music may be, taken quite apart from its creator, the fact that it is or is not another expression of the personality of a particular artist is important. For it either is or is not an addition to our knowledge of that artist; a further revelation of that mysterious, indefinable and fascinating thing—his personality. (D. W. Winnicott, quoted in Anthony Storr, The Dynamics of Creation, 58.)
Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover, but they do not try to rationalize their states, nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others. They are not afraid to see themselves “warts and all.” Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types.
While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world. If, over time, such validation remains out of reach, Fours begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. The outsider therefore comforts herself by becoming an insistent individualist: everything must be done on her own, in her own way, on her own terms. Fours’ mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special,” while they secretly wish they could enjoy the easiness and confidence that others seem to enjoy.
One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.
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