Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

Saturday, July 18, 2015

You had best believe that you cannot build what I don't need


Rare thunderstorms in LA are ushering me to Britain today. 

My itinerary-- a year in the making-- has me feeling a bit shot out of a cannon, but is entirely my own doing. I haven't been back to Scotland since the day I got on the bus in that last wind down to the end. I had that taste of London on the way back from Africa, and I'll admit I still associate the place with the only thing in my life I've ever felt like I failed at. I cried on the circle in. I have felt and still feel a rough letting go of that place and the life I saw for myself there. 

It becomes more complicated the more entrenched I get in my LA life; the more I love it. 

As I cross over anniversaries and milestones, unremarked upon, the more I am having to redefine myself against the hardline definitions I had of myself earlier in my life. I can say to myself now--- you've been away from New  York as long as you were ever there. Why do you still consider yourself a New Yorker? You don't really miss it, you only miss Europe. But LA... 

I still feel torn about my intent. My intent to live as one or many of the incarnations of myself. 

I'm scared of falling out of my life here by being gone so long. I'm scared of missing an opportunity that I've painstakingly built a foundation for here. 

I'm scared it's still not enough time to be in any of the places I'm going to settle into the rhythm. Scared it's not enough time to catch back that magic of my life there. I'm scared that the way I was there will be at odds with the way I am now and I won't be able to reconcile them. I'm scared my practice will fall off and I won't chant because of time, and mindset, and my friends' hard disbelief in Buddhism. 

But CHVRCHES has got my back. Giving us all a new song to sing me to Scotland. And a new album this September 25 -- Every Open Eye

And I'm going to give it my best go to report to whatever readers are left here. I can't guarantee I'll be able to. I can't guarantee I'll have anything or anything worthwhile to say. But if I do, I'll be here. Hope to see you.

Onward. To the East and to the North. To London, Edinburgh, Bamff, Skye, Uist, Geneva, Provence, Lugano and everywhere in between, to Dublin, to Clare and back again. 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Reading Rainbow: The Third Plate


Ever since I came back to the US, I've been pretty paranoid about what I eat. I have a pretty serious problem with the way America farms, raises, and grows its food. I think most of us are pretty familiar with a lot of those problems. But aside from pesticides, chemicals, and hormones, there's this other aspect which I've been worried about for a while.

Remember in elementary school science, when we learned about soil nutrients, crop rotation, and seven year cycles of fallow earth? (I do. Largely because I am frequently using it as a metaphor for creativity. Also because I regularly help a fourth grade boy with his homework.) 

The new book I'm reading talks about the future of food-- from the failures and missteps of the farm to table movement to how farmers and chefs can work together change the public image of certain foods. Foods can be and are just as trendy as anything else. Sometimes just to the benefit of big agri-business (like the terrible terrible soy trend. Processed soy jacks with your estrogen levels.) but also for real health. Did you eat kale three years ago? Or quinoa? Or ramps? No. You do now because chefs got creative and made delicious recipes with those ingredients. 

Dan Barber, author of the The Third Plate is the executive chef of Blue Hill in Manhattan. I haven't had the pleasure of eating there-- alas, the price tag is outrageous...more on that later-- but I've heard nothing but good things about the quality and flavor. 

From the book's review in The Wall Street Journal:

Yet after reading Mr. Barber's compelling book, "The Third Plate," I realize the problem may be with my conditioning: I associate value with top-of-the-food-chain proteins like tuna and beef. But the truth is, it takes 13 pounds of grain to produce 1 pound of beef, and the Bluefin tuna is almost depleted. Ours is a food culture based on the expectation of immoderate consumption, and that's just not sustainable. Mr. Barber's solution is no less than an overhaul of American cuisine, so that the value of an ingredient is based on flavor, not folly.
Mr. Barber uses the metaphor of the plate—as in plates of food—to describe three stages of modern eating habits and the agriculture that has supported them. The first plate contains a 7-ounce corn-fed steak and a small vegetable side, say, carrots, produced by industrialized agriculture as it developed over the course of the 20th century. On the second plate, where we are today with the farm-to-table movement, the steak is free-range, the carrots organically grown. But the two aren't that different. The future, Mr. Barber suggests, is the third plate: a carrot dish flavored with a sauce made from a secondary cut like beef shank.
The third plate sounds a lot like the way my Italian grandmother used to cook on her subsistence farm. Her tradition called for managing the land. Soil health, seed diversity, crop rotation and diverse animal husbandry kept the farm fruitful and also produced delicious, healthy food. There was modesty to her cooking: The family primarily ate vegetables and killed one pig a year that had been fed on table leavings. There was no deprivation. We've replaced this model with industrialized farming and fishing, and we aren't eating well. We feed.
Let's go back to price. Part of how we can bring down some of the cost of flavorful, nutrient-rich foods is by giving new light to the crops that farmer's plant in between the main crop. If those farmers can make the same amount of money on mustard greens or buckwheat or milkweed that they can on wheat, they do better and then we can do better. And there's incentive for other farmers to return to this way of farming before industrialized farming manipulated the ecosystem into oblivion. I mean, sure, it's important to produce enough. So much of how we farm is a reactionary product of The Dust Bowl, The Irish Potato Famine and other plague of locusts style crop failures. But at some point, you have to ask, is my all-you-can eat more important than the flavor and nutrition of what I eat? And then no wonder we're fat. We have to keep eating and eating to get less flavor and less nutrition. It's hard to stay aware of all this all the time, but you gotta try, right? 

Check out the book, and Dan Barber on NPR. I listened to a much longer version of this interview and I wish I could find it. This is the closest I could find. Scroll to the bottom.

FYI: I'm probably buying this book as a gift for everyone I know for holidays for the next year. 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Frightened Rabbit's alter ego, Owl John


CONCEIVED IN TWO DISPARATE WORLDS: THE ISLAND OF MULL ON THE WEST COAST OF SCOTLAND AND IN LOS ANGELES ON THE WEST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES. MAYBE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT THESE PLACES HAVE MET. MAYBE NOT. OWL JOHN IS ABOUT WHAT CAN BE FOUND IN BOTH OF THESE STRANGE WORLDS. IT'S ABOUT FINDING A BIT OF FREEDOM IN AN ANXIOUS, ROTTING BRAIN. IT IS ABOUT BEING AN ALIEN MAN. IT IS ABOUT LOSING YOUR WITS COMPLETELY THEN TRYING DESPERATELY TO FIND THEM AGAIN.

The conjunction where Scotland meets Los Angeles is not a new intersection for me. It's every day. But I'm glad there's a mind as articulate as Scott Hutchison out there to explore it and express it. I'm happy and always seeking to find "a bit of freedom in an anxious mind." 

Scott apparently has so much going on in that head of his, he had to have a while additional band and persona for it. Enter Owl John. And apparently:

John is a homeless. 
John is a priest.
John is a witness.
John is a beast. 
John is a weirdo. 
John is a thief. 
John is a wino. 


I look forward to the entirety of this album and hope it's released soon. Until then, I'll listen to "Hate Music" and wait. 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Formulating a Friday Return Links


Hi there. It's me. Remember me, dear void? I don't want to make a lot of excuses or anything. I just want to lay it on you and proceed without any promises. I'll start with the links. Because it feels like the easiest way to resume without tucking my blog tail between my legs. Just think of all the links I've been sitting on these months telling myself I'd share them with you. Ah, velleity. Alas, most of them have evaporated from my memory. Anyhoo.

-My life is embodied in THIS article right now. I am the bespoke series lady. 

-Amy Poehler's Smart Girls is looking for contributors. They're basically the best. Wish I had the energy for any additional free writing work. If I did, I'd be all over this bitch. 

-We know this. But it's always good to reiterate. 

-Africa. And Britain. Together. Weirdly. Giraffe Castle

- A weekend getaway to Edinburgh. Sigh.

-The Great Whiskey Shortage. We drink more than they can make. Thankfully, it's not the single malt Scottish whisky that is my own personal jam. 

- Did I already share this? I don't care. I'm doing it again. Anastasia takes a selfie

- Don and Peggy dancing to "My Way" is one of my favorite TV moments ever. 

I can't keep white shirts nice, I ruin computers in three years no matter what, and my manicure never dries before I mess it up-- ever-- but here's my pinterest if you're interested. I look pretty with it there. I think.  There's this too. It's a lot of other people's dogs and kids. 

I love you like XO.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Greetings From Vegas Friday Links


So much Franzen this week. Okay by me. 

- First, his awesome essay in the Guardian promoting his new book, The Krauss Project
- The hilarious non-backlash backlash and what that means for Franzen haters
- Finally, this. Franzy, join us on the internets.

- When a man writes a woman

More aspects of Modern Living:
- The terror that is Whole Foods
- The wonder that is Trader Joe's. (They're not really cutting their benefits. Just read.)

- I scroll through this every day. Sigh.

I finally met and hung out with one of my fave writer/blogger folks, Anne Sage of The City Sage this morning. If you aren't reading her, you should be. I have her to thank for this cool website recommendation, The American Edit. Check it. 

Peace out for the weekend, ninjas. My head hurts and it's Tiger Time

Friday, August 2, 2013

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today, I cashed in my permanent resident alien card to the UK and flew back to the United States. I had no idea what I would do next. Heathrow seemed like home at that point and I remember fighting with my grandmother via email even as I stood in line to check my bag and say goodbye to London. 

I still hate that I had to leave the UK. But I'm happy I live in Los Angeles even more than I ever I thought I could. I recently rediscovered some thoughts I wrote in a journal around the time I left. I'd like to share them with you, but I'll wait until tomorrow since today is Friday and it's time for Friday links. 

- I want this. I'm starting to feel sad. 
- Get it, George Clooney. Eff the hedgefunds. 
- I'll always have a soft spot for my first job out of college. The End of Saks Fifth Ave.
- I feel like learning more languages. I miss Europe. 
- This bag is hot
- These pictures of my cousin, Tennessee Williams, are lovely.
- My next read is David Rakoff's final piece: a novel in iambic pentameter.
- Haim. The Wire.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Haviland Sings "Release Me" From Nicholas & Alexandra



So... I'm not quite sure I realized how personal these lyrics were when I wrote them. Sure, I don't have a sick child-- I don't know what that's like. But at its core, this is a song about anxiety. The way life feels under the oppression of it; the threat of it... as compared to how it feels to be free of it; not afraid of it. 

Haviland is one of my friends who is most privy to my struggles with anxiety and so in addition to being a beautiful singer of this tune, she has a super insight into whatever deep well I pulled these lyrics from. I remember when I finally emailed these off to Steven, he wrote back soon after, "Where the hell did that come from!?"

I wasn't conscious of it then, but I am now. 

Not only did Haviland lay the smack down on this song, she put that concert on lock down. One of her best vocal performances I've ever heard. More of night like those please, Miss Stillwell, thankyouverymuch. 

And even though this is Alix's song in Nic & Alix, I sure wouldn't mind seeing Hav as Tatiana... a regal and enchanting Grand Duchess she shares a striking resemblance to. Not to mention, I can hear her all over Livadia. Until the next step... 

Why Stop Now?

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